The package arrives and you hide it in your car before going inside, and you’re not even sure what’s in the box. You see the charge on your credit card and immediately close the app. You tell your partner "oh, I've had this for a while" when they notice something new, even though it arrived yesterday.
The dopamine hit from buying the thing is long gone, and now you're left with this sick feeling in your stomach. That voice in your head that says you're stupid and irresponsible. The thoughts that you should know better, that you're never going to get your financial shift together.
If you have ADHD, the shame after emotional spending might actually feel worse than whatever stress triggered the spending in the first place, especially if your money is a big stressor (which is very common by the way).
The cruel irony: that shame you’re feeling makes the problem worse, not better. The more you’re beating yourself up over your emotional spending, the more likely you are to do it again.
Buy why does the shame spiral happen? How does it perpetuate the exact behaviour you're trying to stop? And is there anything that actually helps break the cycle?
Let's Start by Separating Guilt from Shame…
because they're different and that difference is important to understand.
Guilt is "I did something bad." Shame is "I am bad."
Guilt says "I spent money I couldn't afford." Shame says "I'm a failure who will never be good with money."
Guilt can be useful. It's your brain's way of saying "this action doesn't align with my values, and I want to do better." Guilt can motivate change.
Shame is paralysing. When you feel like you fundamentally are the problem, there's nothing to fix. You're just broken. And when you feel broken, why bother trying to change?
The shame spiral often looks like this: you spend emotionally or make a shitty financial choice, you feel terrible about yourself, that feeling terrible creates more stress and emotional discomfort, which makes you want another dopamine hit to feel better, so you spend again. And the cycle continues.
With ADHD, shame hits even harder because of rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). Your brain doesn't just register "I made a mistake," it registers "I am fundamentally defective and everyone can see it."
How Does Shame Make ADHD Spending Worse?
What makes the shame spiral so destructive? Shame creates avoidance.
When you feel terrible about your spending, the last thing you want to do is look at your bank account or credit card transactions. So you don't. You ignore them, and hope the problems, the stress, and the shame will all go away.
You avoid anything that would force you to face what you've done, because facing it feels unbearable because you see it as evidence that you are the problem.
Hard truth time: Avoidance doesn't make the problem go away. It makes it worse. When you're not looking at your money, you don't know what you have or what you've spent. This creates more anxiety, which creates more stress, which makes you more likely to emotionally spend again to cope.
The shame also makes it harder to ask for help or talk about what's happening. You can't tell a friend or your partner you've been hiding purchases or avoiding your money because that would mean admitting you're doing something wrong. You can't reach out for support with your money because that would mean admitting you're struggling.
So you try and shove it all into a box to keep it all hidden leaving you feeling more isolated and terrible about yourself, which fuels the shame.
Why Do I Hide Purchases From My Partner or Family?
If you live with family or you're in a relationship and you find yourself hiding purchases, lying about when something arrived, or creating elaborate stories about where money went, you're not alone. But it doesn't mean you're a liar or a bad person or partner. It means you're trying to avoid the shame of admitting you did something you already feel terrible about, and you don’t need help feeling terrible with someone else’s judgement or ‘advice’ adding to your shame.
The hiding often starts small. You buy something impulsively, you feel bad about it, and you just don't mention it. Your partner doesn't ask, so you don't bring it up. It feels like it worked, like you got away with it. So the next time, you do it again. Maybe you intercept the package before they see it. The hiding becomes its own habit, separate from the spending itself.
What makes this painful is that the hiding creates distance in your relationships. You're carrying this secret, this thing you feel ashamed about, and it tends to create a wedge between you and people you care about.
For entrepreneurs, the hiding might look different. You're not hiding from a partner, but you're hiding from yourself. Business credit card statements you're scared to open. Subscriptions you forgot about that are still charging your account. Equipment or courses you bought and never used, collecting dust.
Your partner or loved ones might even offer to help you. They want to support you, but they often don’t understand how your brain works. If you do open up to get help from them, it often makes this worse because the things that work for them, won’t work for you. As a financial coach who helps folks with ADHD, I have heard dozens of slightly different versions of this. They want to help, but they can’t, and the trying to help and it not working makes the wedge between you and your loved one even more.
Is It Normal to Get Stuck in Avoidance Mode?
Yes. And also, it's a sign that shame is running the show.
Avoiding your banking app, ignoring notifications, not opening credit card statements, these are all avoidance behaviours driven by shame. Your brain is trying to protect you from feeling terrible, so it creates this buffer between you and the evidence of your spending.
Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Except your brain still knows. Even when you're successfully avoiding looking at your accounts, there's this low-level anxiety humming in the background. You might not be actively thinking about it, but you're carrying the stress of not knowing.
For ADHD brains, uncertainty and not knowing creates its own kind of overwhelm. So you're stuck between the pain of looking and knowing, and the pain of avoiding and not knowing. Neither option feels good.
What's the Difference Between Guilt and Shame With Money?
Guilt is specific and behavioural. "I spent $300 on things I didn't need and now I don't have enough for groceries this week." Guilt identifies a specific action and its consequence. This is useful information (even if it never feels like it).
Shame identity-based. "I'm terrible with money. I'll never get this right. I'm just not responsible enough to be an adult. Why do I even bother?" Shame makes sweeping statements about who you are as a person. It doesn't give you useful information. It just makes you feel hopeless and stuck.
Guilt says "I made a mistake." Shame says "I am a mistake."
When you're stuck in shame, you can't problem-solve. You can't learn from what happened. You can't build systems or strategies to do better next time because shame tells you that you're the problem, not your actions or your systems.
But here's the truth: you're not bad at money because of some fundamental character flaw. You have ADHD, which means your brain works differently when it comes to impulse control, dopamine regulation, and executive function. These are neurological differences, not moral failings.
How Do I Stop Beating Myself Up for Emotional Spending?
Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence. It's not letting yourself off the hook or making excuses. It's acknowledging that you're doing your best with the brain and resources you have, while still taking responsibility for creating change.
The shift from shame to self-compassion sounds like moving from "I'm terrible with money" to "I emotionally spent because I was stressed and my brain was looking for dopamine, and I can build awareness around this pattern."
One of the most powerful things you can do is get curious instead of critical when you notice emotional spending. Instead of immediately spiralling into "why do I always do this, I'm so stupid," try asking: What was I feeling right before I bought this? What was I avoiding? What did I actually need in that moment? Are there things I can do to help this situation have different results next time?
These questions create space for learning and change. Self-criticism just creates more shame.
Breaking the Shame Cycle
Breaking the shame cycle requires doing the exact thing shame tells you not to do: looking at what's actually happening. Not to beat yourself up about it. Not to prove to yourself how terrible you are. But to gather information about your patterns so you can build different systems.
This might mean finally opening your banking app and looking at your spending for the month. Not to judge it, just to see it. What patterns show up? What time of day do you spend? What triggers it?
When you approach this with curiosity instead of criticism, you start to see the patterns that shame was keeping hidden. It’s easier said than done, but try and look at the numbers, and try to separate the emotions.
It might also mean talking to someone about what's happening. Your partner, a friend, a financial coach (oh, hey there 👋). Shame thrives in secrecy. When you bring it into the light and say "I've been struggling with this," you often discover that it's not nearly as terrible as shame made it seem.
The goal isn't to never emotionally spend again. The goal is to build enough awareness and self-compassion that when you do (because you probably will, because you're human with ADHD), you can notice it, understand what drove it, and make a different choice next time. Without spiralling into shame that makes everything worse.
Moving Forward Without Shame
You don't have to keep doing this alone. You don't have to keep feeling terrible about yourself. You don't have to keep hiding purchases and avoiding your bank account and carrying this secret shame about money. There is actually a way forward that doesn't involve hating yourself into better behaviour (spoiler: that never works).
When I work with a new client we work to build awareness around your patterns without the shame spiral, and create systems to help support you to make changes with your money that work for you. It helps you understand why emotional spending happens and create systems that work with your ADHD brain instead of against it.
My free ADHD Money Starter Kit can help you start building that awareness right now, even if you're not ready for coaching yet. And if you are ready to stop the shame spiral and build something different, I’d love to help. Check out details about working togehter, and then let's talk about what's actually possible when you approach your money with compassion and understanding instead of shame and criticism.
You deserve better than feeling terrible about yourself. And better is absolutely possible.
Sherry is an ADHD financial coach who specializes in helping adults with ADHD break free from shame cycles around money. She understands the pull between wanting to look at your finances and the overwhelm of actually doing it because she's been there too. Through one-on-one coaching, she helps clients build awareness and self-compassion instead of judgment around their money patterns.
